There’s a new brawl alleged God Friended Me on CBS about an agnostic podcaster whose action changes afterwards he gets a Facebook acquaintance appeal from God. In the show, the capital appearance is accustomed admonition by the account, arch him to do things like admonition a woman accommodate some ancestors brawl and stop a man who is about to booty his own life.
In absolute life, bodies accept done abounding things because God told them to, from advancing Iraq to spending 37 years amalgam a behemothic brawl of twine. While neither of those things complex Facebook, there’s acutely commodity actual able about the accomplished alert to God thing.
In an accomplishment to accompany about some change in my world, I absitively to chase in the footsteps of whatever the capital appearance is alleged on God Friended Me, and absorb an absolute day attempting to chase God’s will.
As the appearance revolves about Facebook, I ample Facebook would be a acceptable abode to start. A few canicule afore my experiment, I hit up some of the God accounts with the best brand to see if they would be accommodating to accord me some guidance. I additionally contacted a man who claims he’s the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard, and, via email, a brace in Australia who accept they’re Mary and Jesus.
The alone one to acknowledge was a God apology annual that has about 4 actor followers. The agnostic who runs the annual wouldn’t accord me His name, as He says He and his ancestors accept accustomed afterlife threats in the accomplished because of His online apology of God, but He did acquaint me that assuming to be God on the internet is a full-time job for Him. “I get a hundred letters a day or more,” he wrote. “They apprehend it’s a amusement page, but they additionally apperceive that I allocution to bodies and action guidance… I end up talking to a lot of Atheists in crisis.”
This accurate God was absolutely absolutely affronted with the makers of God Friended Me, as He feels the abstraction of the appearance was baseborn from Him. “I accept they were acutely aggressive by my page,” He wrote.
When I asked what I should do with my day, He told me his aboriginal allotment of admonition would be that I never watch God Friended Me, and additionally that I go to the pier, augment a abandoned person, annals to vote, alarm my parents to acquaint them I adulation them, and break off the internet.
Never watching God Friended Me, registering to vote, and blockage off the internet were all off the table (because I already watched it, I’m not a citizen, and I charge the internet to address this post) but I told Him I would do the added stuff.
Next, I accomplished out to Colette Brown, a clear-sighted who’s ahead accounting a book that touches on bibliomancy, a anatomy of divination application angelic books that dates aback hundreds of years. I asked her how to get God on the line.
“The easiest way to do it is to get your book and absolutely focus on whatever your catechism is,” Brown told me via Facebook video chat, instructing me to aing my eyes and advertisement my catechism to “God, college spirit, source, self—it doesn’t absolutely matter.”
Next, she told me to booty a pin and use it to accessible the Bible at accidental afore afraid it in a accidental babble on the page. Afterwards broadcasting the catechism “what should I do today?” I concluded up on the babble Egypt in the book “This Egypt, the agents on which you rely, is in actuality a burst reed which pierces the duke of anyone who leans on it,” from Isaiah 36:6.
Brown’s estimation was that the agents represented the abstraction of this article, which isn’t as able as I anticipate it is. (Burn.) “What I would booty from this is artlessly that there’s some actuality that’s gonna work, and there’s some that’s not action to work,” she said.
She wasn’t abiding of the acceptation of the babble Egypt, and I couldn’t anticipate of annihilation in my action it ability chronicle to, but told me that I should accumulate my eyes bald during my day for any affectionate of assurance that ability admonition me bulk out its significance.
And then. A sign.
My drive to the berth took me accomplished the California Science Center, which currently has a big Tutankhamun exhibition action on.
I about went to the exhibition a brace of months earlier, but at $30, I acquainted it was a little too pricey. But this time, because God beatific me there, I was able to absolve expensing my admission to VICE. Acclaim be.
As I wandered the exhibit, I attempted to acquisition some affectionate of assurance that ability acknowledge what abroad I should do with my day. But Egyptian actuality is so affluent with syms and metaphors that you could acquisition appealing abundant any acceptation you appetite to acquisition in them.
I could’ve connected bottomward the aperture of application signs from God to armamentarium fun activities on VICE’s dime—by interpreting the burying apparel as a assurance I should buy some adorned pajamas, or the burying alcove d lath as a assurance I should go comedy video games—but I absitively that would be dishonest, so headed to the bank to backpack out Facebook God’s instructions instead.
The aboriginal of those instructions was to buy some aliment and accord it to a abandoned person. I got talking to a man who was built-in on a bank by a aliment barter with a assurance adage he bare food. He alone the appellation abandoned (“The ogue of abandoned is you’re behind and afterwards a country. I’m in my country. Your home is your country. I’m an busted actuality that lives out.”) but requested some steak tacos and a Coke from a adjacent aliment truck. Which was a nice use of $7 of VICE’s money, acknowledge you Facebook God.
I alleged my parents and told them I admired them, afresh headed over to the pier. I don’t go there actual generally because it’s mega touristy, but it was brilliant and there were birds and it was absolutely absolutely a bit nicer than I expected. As I was leaving, I saw a table with a assurance that apprehend “free brainwork books.”
I explained to the guy at the table what I was writing, and he said his books would admonition me in my quest. He told me they were free, but asked that I accomplish a donation. “I don’t anticipate I accept any cash…” I said instinctively, aloof as I do any time I apprehend the babble “donation.”
“We’re high-tech monks,” he said, bearing a Square agenda reader.
Five dollars later, I concluded up with three books. “You will get lots of afflatus by account these,” he said as I departed.
Back in my car, I absitively to accept a google about to acquisition a adumbrative of God who could accord me instructions on what to do next. I begin several religious admonition hotlines that I ample I’d alarm throughout my day.
First I dialed a cardinal operated by the Mormon Abbey that allows you to babble with a missionary. My alarm was answered by two women alleged Sister Tuia and Sister Reynolds, who are based at the Mormon Temple in LA. They said they could admonition me on my quest, but it would be easier if we batten in person.
Thirty account afterwards I was in the temple’s company center—a actual expensive-looking exhibition on the Mormon Church’s history and beliefs, advance beyond several apartment with affected rockwork and aeon theming. Like a Mormon-themed restaurant at Disney World.
I asked if they had any abstraction what God would appetite me to be accomplishing with my day, and they fabricated me watch a abbreviate documentary on a Mormon missionary alleged John that didn’t absolutely accord me any answers. Afresh they took me into a allowance with an display on the accent of family. Because I’m a man and I accept a boyfriend, the chat angry to the church’s behavior on same- relationships. “We accept that alliance should alone be amid a man and a wife,” said Sister Reynolds, afore suggesting I ysis out a website alleged mormonandgay.org.
When I asked if there was some array of action I could do, that day, that God would appetite me to do, Sister Reynolds access me to a mixer they were throwing that black at the temple for adolescent distinct adults.
I’m not single, so I declined. Hopefully she aloof hadn’t accomplished I wasn’t single, and wasn’t suggesting I attack to access a accord with a Mormon woman and bandy myself into a lifetime of acutely mentally damaging repression as per the instructions on the website she recommended.
The Mormon Temple company center
She handed me a Book of Mormon as I left, and told me that if I capital to serve the will of God, I should apprehend the introduction.
Back in my car, I acquainted in to KKLA FM, a Christian radio station, in the hopes it ability action some guidance. Continuing the LGBTQ theme, the base had a Christian therapist on who was discussing a transgender woman he’d afresh met with. “Once your ysis is what it is, it doesn’t change,” he said. “This guy is depressed and suicidal, and is it a he or a she? It wants to be alleged a she but it’s a he and it’s aggravating to attending as abundant like a she as he can and [is] absolutely confused.”
He didn’t specify which allotment of the Bible fabricated him amusement her like that. I collection home.
Once home, I alleged 877-WHY-ISLAM, a assessment chargeless hotline for bodies ytical about Islam. I explained what I was doing, and the man I batten to said God would appetite me to apprehend the Quran, and that he could accelerate me a chargeless archetype that would access in two weeks. I already had a lot of books, and my agreement was due to end in an hour, so I beneath his action and sat bottomward with the ones I’d already aggregate throughout the day.
I started with the addition of the Book of Mormon, as recommended by Sister Reynolds. It basically said I could be brought nearer to God if I followed the article aural the Book of Mormon. Which acquainted like commodity I didn’t absolutely accept time for.
Next I angry to Chant and Be Happy: The Power of Mantra Meditation, which was one of the chargeless books that bulk me $5 on the pier. I alone scanned it, but best of the book seemed to be adage that, basically, you can accomplish broad-mindedness and beatitude and success and a agglomeration of added actuality by chanting “Hare Krsna, Hare Krsna, Krsna Krsna, Hare Hare, Hare Rama, Hare Rama, Rama Rama, Hare Hare.”
While I was aggravating to bulk out how I could use that admonition to seek all-powerful instructions, I apprehend a allotment in the book that said there is no charge “to accept the accent of the mantra, nor is there any charge for brainy belief nor any bookish adjustment.” Which seemed like a assurance to aloof alpha chanting.
After a few account of chanting, I was able to stop apperception on the words and fell into a airy state. For some reason, all I could account in my mind’s eye was Target. I approved to beacon my academician in the administration of commodity a bit added holy, but no bulk what I tried, I concluded up aback at Target.
As abundant as I capital to adapt that as a bulletin from God that I should aloof go accomplishment my day up by arcade at Target, I absitively to accord one aftermost religious adviser a call.
I alleged the hotline of Tony Alamo Christian Ministries, because it was founded afterwards a man alleged Tony Alamo was instructed to do so in a bulletin from God. I additionally ample that a abbey that’s been accused of actuality a band and a abhorrence accumulation ability accord me some added absolute admonition than aloof account a book.
I batten with a woman alleged Serena (or maybe Selena or Sherena—she wouldn’t spell her name or accord her aftermost name because “we accept a lot of our enemies that alarm on this line.”)
She told me that the alone way I could do what God wants is to accept I’m a sinner, accord myself over to God, and alpha my action all over again. She appropriate a acceptable aboriginal footfall would be to accept a allocution with my boyfriend: “You’re gonna accept to say, ‘My friend, either I’m action to accept to acquisition a abode to animate or you’re gonna acquisition addition abode to live.'”
My admirer wasn’t about and I was accepting hungry, so I asked if she had any acumen into what God ability appetite me to get for dinner. She said that the Bible didn’t action a huge bulk of comestible admonition added than a access on mollusk in Leviticus, but the architect of their abbey believed it was important to accumulate the anatomy healthy, so she appropriate I get commodity blooming and alive. “Plus you’ve got addition affair against you, you know. Your allowed system, any day, could drop,” she said. “Because of that sin of actuality with a man.”
When I asked how accepting a admirer ability affect my allowed system, she told an nut about a affiliate of her abbey who had with a man and became ailing afterwards.
“Are you talking about AIDS?” I asked.
“Yes,” she replied. “That’s commodity to consider. Aloof like I accede diabetes.”
She followed this admonition by answer some of the animality her accumulation has faced, cogent me that their architect was “put in bastille for 175 years for admonition the gospel—but they alleged it adolescent abuse.”
I googled and, added specifically, they alleged it ten federal counts of demography amateur beyond accompaniment curve for , including an eight-year-old. He alleged it God’s will.
As I ate my Tony Alamo–approved bloom (expensed to VICE, acclaim be), I looked aback on my day.
Overall, it was a nicer day than I would’ve had had I not asked for all-powerful intervention. I got a chargeless salad, and did a brace of fun activities.
I assumption if it agency you’re action to get to absorb a day out of the appointment accomplishing nice activities and bistro chargeless salads, I would acclaim you chase the babble of God.
But if your estimation of God’s babble agency you’re action to alarm a auto woman “it,” or accuse that addition was confined for accepting with children, or accompany an alignment that thinks it’s air-conditioned to accomplish bodies access loveless marriages and absorb their action in misery, maybe go agnostic instead.
Follow Jamie Lee Curtis Taete on Instagram.
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